have been making me crazy almost non-stop. I have been so stressed out over their behavior, sleeping habits or lack thereof, and the terrible way that they eat that at times I find it incredibly difficult to take a deep breath.... Can you say stressed out?!?
I have also been coming to grips with the fact that my only connection to Scott is through the internet... oh, AT&T you have me so spoiled. I am used to being able to "reach out and touch someone." That someone being Scott. Now, I have to send an email and wait for him to respond or call. This little frustration is worthy of a blog post unto itself, but it is definitely adding to the stress levels around here. Maybe another day....
Anyway, last night, after a particularly trying evening with Ella and then an unusually difficult time getting Maggie, Kate, and Sarah to sleep, I finally ended up falling asleep sitting in the rocking chair in their room at about 10:15pm. After a couple minutes I woke with a start and looked up to find all three pairs of little eyes staring right at me. In that moment I was convicted.
Convicted because I realized that if they are eating terribly, I am the only one to blame. Convicted because if they are sleeping poorly, it is most likely a result of a mommy inflicted crazy schedule. Convicted because if their behavior is not the kind that makes me proud, I am the one responsible for "training them up in the way that they should go." They look to me to guide and direct them; they feed off of my stress and my fears.
Clearly, the problem is not theirs. They are good, no, great kids! Don't worry, I won't take this pity party any farther. I realize that I'm a good mother. I know that I am incredibly blessed to have four healthy, happy, adorable little girls. I just can't for the life of me figure out why I can't make myself get enough sleep to be able to deal with these turkeys effectively during their many waking hours.
Just like them, I fight sleep even when I know I'm tired. I wonder if I stay up because I require an inordinately great amount of "me" time and don't get much of that during the day? I wonder if I stay up because Scott isn't here to snuggle up to, or alert me to the fact that it is getting late and time to go to bed? Surely these things are minor issues that I could work out on my own, right? Wrong!
I have a couple of different outings coming up that are just for me. I'll be getting out with old friends for dinner soon and have a weekend away with some other triplet moms that I'm looking forward to early next month. I'm also hoping that some exercise will help with both the stress and the sleeping issues. I'm going to sign up at the YMCA next week. But beyond that I don't really know what else to try.